Dreams of Dad

Had another dream about Dad last night, Can't remember the details very well. He had been admitted to hospital but he hadn't died, he had recovered but not enough to go home so we were organising a day out for him I think; then the dream changed and we were on a weekend break somewhere, but I got lost and was trying to retrace my steps back to the holiday home we were all staying at. In the dream we (dad and me) had a long conversation but I can't remember what it was about, I think he was just saying wise dad-type things and I was was talking back thinking yeah, he was really wise ;-) In another dream a few weeks ago I met his spirit while walking along a beach, later on I met my Gran's spirit and I tried to get his spirit and my Gran's spirit to meet so they could talk to each other and move on. In yet another another dream a few weeks ago we were talking on the phone, he was still living in Caterham down south and I told him I loved him at the end of the phone call, think I woke up crying at the end of that dream.

Maybe this is to be expected? Obviously not having my Dad around anymore coupled with the swiftness of his passing has left me with an emptiness (subconsciously and consciously) that will take some time to figure out. I was talking to my sister about it and she said when someone close to you dies it leaves a gap in your soul and your soul has to grow and change shape. It's similar to what happens when you have children, you have to change to become more responsible when a child arrives to that you need to look after - when Abby first came home from the hospital after being born I remember I was so nervous, the in-laws brought a bottle of champagne and after a few sips I started to get little tipsy and I immediately started to panic thinking "oh no, I can't be tipsy while looking after a baby) . My sister's very cosmic, if you hadn't guessed. She's also lived and worked in Peru near Machu Pichu; I'm very jealous ;-). We're trying to sort out his estate at the moment but it's not easy, he was something of a hoarder so he's kept every single letter he received for the last ten years, not fun trying to sort through it all.

Anyway, in the conscious world ;-), it's two of our friends' 40th birthday this Saturday, it's music based fancy dress. I was originally going to go as one of the Beatles but R wanted to go as a duo so we're going as the White Stripes. Gutted, I wanted to be John Lennon for the night ;-) Ah well, at least the costumes will be easy. Think I'd better start working out as well...

Exercise, fitness and fainting

So the snow has melted and with it the excuse to not exercise. Even though if it's still cold and it's hard work. For some CF reason my base (after a month of doing bugger all) fitness is a lot lower than everyone else in our bike club; so while they can get to the top of the hill and take nice pictures like this one, I'm at the bottom of the hill still cycling like a madman trying to catch up, grrrr! I will get there one day...

The lodger

There is a new lodger in our house. She is called Holly and she is very furry. Her previous owners were going to send her to a cat's refuge because their son was allergic to her, so we have stepped in. So far so good; she likes being stroked, she likes being picked up and carried like a bloated-furry baby ;-) , she likes being combed, and she definitely likes begging for tins of tuna when I'm making Abby's sandwiches. Also; she really doesn't want to stay in the house for the first two weeks so keeps trying to escape whenever we open the front / back doors.

Because we don't know whether our kids will be allergic we have laid down some ground rules: no sleeping on beds, and Abby must wash her hands after stroking and picking up Holly. I do like having a cat around, they're good company, even if cleaning out litter trays is a bit of a pain...

Gallons of rubbing alcohol float down the A6...

Well it was our turn to host the New Years eve party this year, so we bought a karaoke machine, loads of wine and beer, and made 3 huge currys (on new year's eve) to feed the screaming hordes. We dispatched our kids to the in-laws, but some of our mates were bringing their kids so we set up the Wi in the front room for them to play. Everyone enjoyed the party, especially the karaoke; I never knew our friends were such frustrated rock stars ;-) Was a good night, at least until someone found the absinthe. Anyway, on balance, having been on both sides now, I think it's much more relaxing going to someone else's party! It's too much of a stress trying to work out whether you've got enough food / drink for everyone. In the end we made too much, but that meant we had lots of leftover curry to eat for the next few days ;-)

The party was a bit controversial because two of our mates are in the process of getting divorced, and because they (G and N), are currently ignoring each other, this meant we could only invite one of them because if we invited N, then G would refuse to go, along with his mates. I'm trying not to get involved and just hoping they can patch things up for the kids really, (their kids are the same age as Abby and Oscar.) When did life become so complicated? Also someone (not me) decided to invite an old school friend of mine who I've not seen since I left school some 2o years ago! I was a bit worried at first that he might turn up mob handed or something, but in the end he arrived and was more nervous than me, stayed for a couple of beers and a brief chat about the old days, and left; so it was no big deal really. Sometimes I think you drift away from friends after school for a reason, and maybe some blasts from the past should be kept in the past. My sister is adamant she never wants to get in touch with anyone from her old school and I kind of know what she means...

I don't know, but as the years go by I seem to be enjoying alcohol less and less, maybe it's the hangover / comedown, or (since the kids have arrived) any gleeful piss up is tempered with the knowledge that I have to be awake the morning after to entertain the children, but I don't enjoy it half as much as I used to. Maybe my body's getting old ;-) By the end of new year's day I was ready to go to bed at 8PM...I'm wondering if this is a CF thing, but every time I drink heavily, the next morning my lungs have much thicker mucus to bring up, and in the case of major bender, it can take a couple of days for the sputum to return to it's normal, more manageable thickness. I can also get terrible guts the next day as well. Alcohol sucks! Never again will I get drunk... ;-)

Turn, Turn, Turn

The old man requested this Judy Collins cover of Pete Seeger's song be played at his funeral about a month ago. Ah, he was well into his sixties folk :-).

His funeral was last Wednesday and leading up to it I was dreading the whole thing. In fact when we parked up behind the hearse outside the chapel and the funeral directors got the coffin out I was really paniky and freaked out, but halfway through the service I felt sad but somehow serene. If he was there in spirit then I think he was telling me it was OK to move on, let him go, and not to be too sad. I'm going to miss him loads though, even though he was house bound in recent years he was still a big part of our lives.

Dad

My dad died peacefully on Tuesday 13th December, 4.30 PM. He was 65. It was only the week after his birthday and on his 65th birthday we all went round and he told us (my sister, my mum and I) how proud he was of all us and his four beautiful grandchildren; we talked about lots of things (including the Tibetan book of the dead, Greek legends and all sorts) and it's just such a shock that this would happen because he was really upbeat. We talked about what he would have for his Christmas meal. (He wanted trifle!) I'd just set him up with a new digital recording box for his birthday and he seemed really happy.

He went into hospital Saturday evening with breathing problems, when I rushed in to meet him at A&E (I'd been on a night out so had to get a train and R had stepped in to help him out and persuade him he needed an ambulance) he was struggling but he was also talking about the City game in the afternoon and how crap one of our strikers was. His breathing seemed to settle although he was on O2 he seemed to barely need it. R went to get him some clothes and turn his fire off and at about 11 I left him to get some sleep just before he was moved onto a ward. When I got home the hospital phoned and told me to come back straight away. Shortly after arriving on the ward he had had a massive aspiration into his lungs, and he just never regained consciousness. We kept hoping, but in the end he was just too weak to come back from this trauma. In a way I think it's what he would have wanted, he hated being in hospital, he didn't want to end up in a home, and he kept his independence to the end, which at times was a real battle for him.

My dad had Myotonic Dystrophy; it wasn't diagnosed until he was 50. it's a form of muscular dystrophy and it was complications from this that led to his death. He had had his ups and downs with depression in the last five years due to becoming more and more housebound as the illness began to restrict his mobility and limit his ability to eat. In fact this year I was giving him half my Scandishakes (he was on Ensures as well) to help him keep his weight up. We talked about tube feeds and neck operations but he was too old and stubborn, he didn't want anything like that.

His mind was so sharp, he was a clever guy, a funny guy and he loved life. I hope the ongoing genetic research can one day eliminate awful, horrible, unfair conditions like this.

Mum and dad got divorced when I was 18 but after it had all blown over they stayed good friends and for the last years she helped with his shopping every week and they'd have a good natter.

I'm going to miss him loads and I'm really sad but I think he'd rather we remembered the happy times and I think he enjoyed life; he had great friends, family. He had two great jobs. He was a genius at micro chips/silicon chips. With his jobs / holidays he got to travel the world, he visited every country in Europe and most states in America. he got to ride the pacific highway from LA to San Francisco. He lived in Manchester and London, in London he lived in Caterham in a lovely house near the south downs with fox cubs at the bottom of the garden.

Love you dad.

xxx

Broken

My dad's currently fighting for his life in hospital, I was with him when he was admitted but he deteriorated after he moved wards. He's currently stable but he's unconscious and it doesn't look good. Going to get some sleep and say some prayers.

Love to all xxx

Impatient at the outpatients

It's been a while. Sorry. It's not you, it's me. I've had a lot going on, and I've been unable to articulate the thoughts in my head with any degree of clarity. I can't guarantee clarity anytime soon either. But I can guarantee it will be pretentious ;-)

Dah, well, I've had been feeling pretty good about health, life and fitness for the last few months, but cometh the winter, cometh the downturn. It all started about three days before my outpatient appointment, I'd been thinking how lucky I was to avoid getting a cold what with the entire population of greater Manchester having coughs and colds, when I actually came down with a cold; for the first three days it was just a bog- standard nose/throat cold, but on the fourth day, when my cold symptoms started to ease, the virus started to move onto my chest and my rubbish CF lungs started responding in their usual way by producing the thickest, gunkiest gunk this side of the Exorcist.

By the time the outpatients appointment came it was a complete no-brainer as to whether I needed IVs, so my cannula line was fitted and I was putting the IV boxes in my car ready to get on the home-IVs bus. At least that would have been the case if my Ultrasound appointment hadn't overrun so long that by the time I'd ran upstairs (on an empty stomach, stressed, and unseen!) to the CF outpatients it was already too late to get started on IVs, Arghhh! Note to me myself and I: if I have two appointments at the same time, one an ultrasound and one a CF outpatients then definitely go to the CF outpatients first! Anyway, I can't stress enough how professional my CF team are; when I told them what had happened. They ordered me some food, got me a cup of tea and ordered my prescription ready for the next day. Also, whenever I go in and say I need IVs (admittedly not that often, touch wood ;-)) they always agree with my judgement and just get on with the whole process with as little fuss and stress as possible. Makes it a lot easier for me. Blows were down some (FEV1 2.55) as expected, but I could feel that anyway with the increase in sputum and night coughing. I was going to do some running and biking this week to help with my physio, but with all the snow and ice, it might not be the best idea...roll on thaw!

I also have some stressful things going on at work, with my mates, and with my family, but I am all moaned out, so it will have to wait till another day ;-)