Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Confidence is a preference

Confidence. It's a funny thing isn't it? With it you can do anything, but without it even the simplest task can seem insurmountable. I say this because my confidence seems to be wobbling all over the place at the moment and I don't know why, it's such a weird thing. I wonder if I need to see a psychiatrist, maybe I'm still not over my dad's death, I wonder if in some ways I think was I was keeping going to keep *him* going, visiting him every weekend with the kids and dropping food round. Now he's gone I can do anything I want to at the weekend, but now I have loads of choice I don't know what to do...

I've recently switched to part time at work (they wanted me to work 1 week every month in Norwich, I balked at this and handed my notice in.) As a compromise I offered to work part time in order to brush up on my development skills (and look for work) while still keeping the IT systems (that only I know) going at work. At the time I was confident and felt this was the right thing for me to do, but fast forward a few weeks, throw in a couple of failed interviews, a gastric blockage, some arguments with the misses, and a depressed mother and I feel like I've hit rock bottom...or something close. I'm also in a funny situation where I'm made an attempt to sever my ties with work but I'm still there connected and also struggling to do all the work that I used to in half the time that I used to have.

I now have 2 days free and I thought this would be more fun, but it's not as much fun as I thought it would be! After dropping the kids off at school and sorting out the washing and ironing, looking for jobs, revising for jobs, and doing some shopping, there's not a lot of time left before it's time to pick up the kids again...gahhh! Stay at home mums/dads of the world, I salute you! It's certainly not as easy as I would be...

There's also a physical side to this confidence thing for me, my body's getting crapper- in the morning my mouth feels like it's glued together with mucus (attractive ;-)) - I need to get to the bottom of this as I can't really shine in interviews if I can't talk properly ;-) I don't know whether it's CF sinus related CF mucus related or MD related - we'll see.

Sorry for the moan. I think the plan of attack (on my two days off) has to be:

1) Spend 1 hour a day looking for jobs. No more.
2) Spend 1 hour a day revising my technical skills. Don't do more and get stressed, it's not worth it.
3) 1 hours exercise on my days off.
4) Get the electric guitar out and rediscover making music, or a least play D and E really fast.
5) That's two hours left to do jobs around the house and eat - should be enough, in theory ;-)

Urgh, I can't believe I made another todo list, they're the bane of my life ;-) Anyway, have a picture of me and the kids messing about on the beach in LA, bliss.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


Talk about being born under a bad sign, I had an interview Monday afternoon and on the morning I started getting the tell tale signs (shooting gut pains) of the beginnings of a DIOS CF related gastric blockage. I only seem to get these about once a year but when I do they are horrible, painful things that I wouldn't wish on anyone (no, not even Thatcher ;-))  So far I've took 8 sachets of Movicol and 4 portions of gastro grafin, but still nothing!

It's my wedding anniversary today as well, CF has no sense of timing...

It's now Wednesday; I had been contemplating admitting myself into hospital to get this sorted but fortunately my bowels finally clicked into action this morning (and how, I've gone through nearly a full roll of toilet paper ;-) ) phew! It's completely ruined my anniversary though, son of a ....!

FEV1 was 2.3 have decided to go on IVs if I don't pick up next month...have got some orals to tide me over...