Friday, November 21, 2008


"I have learnt a lot here, there are whole wild days where I can feel erudition flowing into me until every border along the fabric of my being is overcome with an ecstatic saturation whereupon it is all I can do to hold myself together and not shatter with insurmountable glee!

There are other days when I spend long glittering hours staring out of high windows wondering exactly how far it really is to fall, and if perhaps it would be best to let my broken body shatter spectacularly upon the pavement with pools of viscous blood gathered around me like blooms, rather than continuing upon a path that is so utterly refuting of it’s end destination.

I like both equally."

Quite a writer. Capable of anything. I didn't know Toria personally, although I had read her eloquent, hilarious, and above all, honest blog, and her posts on the CF Forum. Toria died after a combination of CF, multi-resistant Pseudomonas, and a bitterly ironic surgical mishap put her into ITU. Whilst she was a vocal advocate for PWCF getting ports fitted, her lung was accidentally punctured during a routine fitting of a portacath. Her long battle in Brompton ITU was updated almost daily on the CF Forum, at first I ignored the updates, unwilling to get involved in something so heart-breaking, but then I was drawn into it, hoping against hope for any scrap of good news that somehow justice would be served and one of the brave and good people of the CF Community would recover. Finally, after a long and valiant struggle her poor old lungs could no longer hold back the flood of bloody multi-resistant pseudomonas. Toria leaves behind a gorgeous 10 month old son and partner. I welled up every time I held Oscar for days after I heard the news. It was just so unfair, taking someone so young when they had so much to live for. Things like this make me seriously doubt the existence of god and any higher purpose to the universe. Maybe Dawkins is right and it just is what it is. All I can say is that if there is an after world then I will want a seriously good explanation from whoever is in charge as to why Toria had to go so soon. But then she would probably do a better job of telling off whoever is in charge herself.

My deepest sympathies to her family and friends. RIP Toria. Thank you for teaching me not to take anything in life for granted. xxx

Edit: I have since read Toria's incredibly positive eulogy from her and her sister and I think this post has come across as too negative, which I didn't really intend. Here is a link to the eulogy, it is well worth reading.

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